Women are always given a bad wrap about their bodies. So when given an assignment to write about the Worst and Best Beach Bodies, I was in quite a dilemma about what to do. Should I betray my sex and actually jump into the critical pool or should I pass? But then I remembered, men have bad beach bodies too. So, in the category of worse beach bodies, I present:
Clint Eastwood: Hey, the guy is talented. Writer. Producer. Actor. I like him. It seems as though there is nothing he can’t do, well almost nothing. Please Mr. Eastwood keep your shirt on.
Steven Tyler: Love him as a musician. But men with pale skinny legs, narrow shoulders and hairy nipples should never be seen in a speedo. Not even in the shower.
Russell Crowe: When it comes to leading ladies, everyone starring across Mr. Crowe has been massacred by the fashion police. So how is it possible that this gifted leading man was left out of the limelight when it came to paunches in the haunches?
Carson Kressley (see pic): Sorry, Dude. Had to do it. I know you're Queer, but it's time to become a man and put on some meat and muscles.
Val Kilmer (see pic): "Holy Toledo, Batman!". What happened? He's embodied the ghost of Jim Morrison in his final days.
Chris Noth (see pic): To quote the National Enquirer, "Mr. Big". It sure does take on a whole new meaning based on this photo. Hey Chris, I've seen you in person several times and you look HOT with clothes on. Stick to the Levi's.
Jack Nicholson: We understand that as you age, your body does some weird things. Maybe you have to work a little harder to get rid of that gut or watch what you eat a little more. But this is ridiculous. Seriously, this is a whole new level of man boobs!
And the award goes to...
Gerard Depardieu (see pic): Oh no. Words cannot describe this birthday suit.
Now here are the best. And yes, they're all women:
Britney Spears (see pic): Girlfriend is looking good. It's time she has a break from bad press. Plus she's got curves. Not that unrealistic to achieve Hollywood beach body.
Cheryl Burke (see pic): I had to put her in considering all the criticism she's gotten for gaining five whole pounds. All you critics wish you had this body.
Lindsay Lohan (see pic): For the same reasons that Ms. Spears and Ms. Burke are on this list. The fashion police and media in general need to cut these ladies some slack. It doesn't look like drinks and drugs are taking a toll on this body.
Queen Latifah: I know she's on everyone's worst list. And I don't care. She represents a real woman with beauty and confidence and she's richer and more talented than all you nasty folks writing about her voluptuous curves.
Heidi Klum (see pic): I rarely acknowledge super models. Human hangers just don't cut it for me. But she's cool. And marrying Seal, especially a second time, that's gotta keep a girl looking good in a bikini.
Kim Catrell (see pic): The rest of my list are all about kudos to women over fifty. It doesn't have to be in a bikini to be hot. Putting on a happy smile is sometimes the hottest accessory one can wear.
Victoria Silvstedt: Va Va Va Voom!
Bar Refaeli: It is just unfair to the rest of us!
And the winner is...
Jessica Biel: Unbelievable
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